Nobody prepares you for this.

Okay, since I'm sure not many people tend to read my nonsense.
I need to vent without speaking to an actual person. (that's just too much people interaction for me)

So. As we just got back from The Trip to Galveston with my dad, as it did keep my mind off of my life (as it seems the shambles that's left from it falling apart) 

I've come to realize.
I am not happy with anything in my life.
I mean don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY KIDS more than life it's self. but, I just feel as if something is missing. I have somewhat of a farm. Right? I have 4 chickens. 2 dogs. a turtle. 2 fish. 3 goats. 1 horse 2 ducks. It keeps me pretty occupied. but at the end of the day i'm still empty. My husband is always at work. so it tends to just be the kids and I. 
I really have a handful of friends. But you know they are way busy with their own lives/problems. 

I don't know how to get to the actual point. I'm depressed.
All i do is sit at home. WE live paycheck to paycheck. 
me working isn't an option as we've recently found that our son has autism. 
I could be depressed due to the fact that i've made the courageous decision to not have any more children. Financially the best move ever because right now we're not poor, we're just not on top of the world either. we're stuck in the middle where things get tough, and when you want to rip out your significant other's throat because you want something other than what's on the stupid list, without a coupon or that's not in the budget. I don't know the ins and outs of Autism. I don't know anything at this point in time. and i feel as if i'm just talking in circles. it's a wonder i can even read this.
Main question-- How in the hell do i find myself? find my happy again? I know i'm not me anymore.

Between potty training, Therapy, School pick up and drop off. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, groceries, Showers and cleaning. I'm not the girl he married almost 10 years ago. I don't know where she is, why she left or how to get her back. I'm just one big puddle of depressed shit. 

Another question?

Why do i resent my husband?---
is it because i'm with the kids all day everyday? 
i am the enforcer. the chauffeur. the maid. the cook. the nurse all of these things? and he just shows up and they love him more than ever? as if he does anything for them? what's he do? he sees them a a majority of the time when they are asleep?
yes. he makes the money? but who pays the bills? who cooks, cleans, buys the household items? ME! not him. 

okay i think i may be done now. i'm sure i just made an ass out of myself.
fuck it.

It's been forever.

So you all understand who i'm speaking of.
*Beauty Queen* -9 year old daughter
*Middle Turd* -6 year old daughter
*Tiny Terrorist* -2 year old son


It's been forever since i've updated this thing. 
I don't even know if anyone reads it. But, I need to vent.


So, Some things are bothering me more than they should i suppose.
Depression being one.
Beauty Queen went to her dad's saturday. and then off to camp for 2 weeks.
i'm so over having to share her. seeing as how she lives with my mom, because i had her when i was 16 on a military post i still don't like the fact that she's always gone, and i only get her when daddy makes her mad. Don't get me wrong, My husband and i have money. But we also have to pay bills, live on our own and have two other children. Which we do try and keep everything fair in-between the 3 of our kids. Well, She want's mommy when her daddy doesn't follow through with something he promised (which i might add is alot.) He still lives with his dad. has another child from a highschool fling (which he married and divorced) and now he's engaged to his step sister. He was working in afghanistan making good money but never saw beauty queen. now that he's back in the states, he is a car washer. he doesn't want to pay his child support for either child, and all he cares about is his new found love and his fake fast and furious cars.

anyways. enough of that. it's just making me even more mad.

Incase you've missed the update.
I did move back to where my husbands family lives.
We are living on 40 Acres of land. 
Horse, Chickens, Ducks, Dogs, Turtles, Bunnies. ETC.

If you've followed with the infant ordeal.
Thank you all so much for your help.
She's doing good. BUT her mother and i got into it. and well.. that didn't turn out well.
She's the most shittiest person i've ever met in my life.  i have a house to clean, but i'm clearly avoiding it. okay, i think i'm done. maybe it'll be sooner next time. 

New Year, New Problems.

Well, I bid you all a late Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
My Christmas was eventful.
New year has started out as a shit sandwich. 
Right now, i'd prefer to shit in my hands and clap. 
The husband quit his job QUIT HIS FUCKING JOB of all things.
and is taking a driving job. Meaning he'll be leaving here (Houston area) and going 10 hours away (Midland Texas) which drives me nuts.
Why? because i'm still trying to get used to this area. and i've not met any people i can "connect" with yet. so it'll just be the kids and i.
Awesome right?
i know i shouldn't bitch about this awesome opportunity. but i'm going to anyway.

I'm so stressed again.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

So, today while all the telemarketers called, well.. the same one starting at 5AM, i let the 2 year old talk to them. I told the terror that it was santa at first. The second time, i told him it was Jake from Jake and the Neverland pirates. :) I haven't heard from them since.

I have this nasty cough, like whooping cough. but no snot.
weird. but it's killing my muscles. super strength nyquil to the rescue.

i've lost my train of thought. because trashy reality t.v came on. i'm so excited!!! :)