Okay, since I'm sure not many people tend to read my nonsense.
I need to vent without speaking to an actual person. (that's just too much people interaction for me)
So. As we just got back from The Trip to Galveston with my dad, as it did keep my mind off of my life (as it seems the shambles that's left from it falling apart)
I've come to realize.
I am not happy with anything in my life.
I mean don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY KIDS more than life it's self. but, I just feel as if something is missing. I have somewhat of a farm. Right? I have 4 chickens. 2 dogs. a turtle. 2 fish. 3 goats. 1 horse 2 ducks. It keeps me pretty occupied. but at the end of the day i'm still empty. My husband is always at work. so it tends to just be the kids and I.
I really have a handful of friends. But you know they are way busy with their own lives/problems.
I don't know how to get to the actual point. I'm depressed.
All i do is sit at home. WE live paycheck to paycheck.
me working isn't an option as we've recently found that our son has autism.
I could be depressed due to the fact that i've made the courageous decision to not have any more children. Financially the best move ever because right now we're not poor, we're just not on top of the world either. we're stuck in the middle where things get tough, and when you want to rip out your significant other's throat because you want something other than what's on the stupid list, without a coupon or that's not in the budget. I don't know the ins and outs of Autism. I don't know anything at this point in time. and i feel as if i'm just talking in circles. it's a wonder i can even read this.
Main question-- How in the hell do i find myself? find my happy again? I know i'm not me anymore.
Between potty training, Therapy, School pick up and drop off. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, groceries, Showers and cleaning. I'm not the girl he married almost 10 years ago. I don't know where she is, why she left or how to get her back. I'm just one big puddle of depressed shit.
Another question?
Why do i resent my husband?---
is it because i'm with the kids all day everyday?
i am the enforcer. the chauffeur. the maid. the cook. the nurse all of these things? and he just shows up and they love him more than ever? as if he does anything for them? what's he do? he sees them a a majority of the time when they are asleep?
yes. he makes the money? but who pays the bills? who cooks, cleans, buys the household items? ME! not him.
okay i think i may be done now. i'm sure i just made an ass out of myself.
fuck it.
